r/AITAH • u/Opposite-Debate-3465 • Aug 12 '24
Advice Needed Update - aita for confessing to my wife that she's torturing me after she got assaulted
I posted my situation last month and if anyone just wants tldr when I went on a trip, she went to party there she got drunk and she had alcohol problem I urged her to not go because I won't be there to take care of her but she called me 'controlling' and went anyway and while I was on my trip she called me back urgently and told me she got raped by bunch of guys
So I'm posting again because I want advice, it turns out the party hoster was a guy she was having an affair with for past 5 months, she revealed this all information in our couples counseling, she's undergoing through individual counseling, psychology treatment for her trauma and treatment for her severe alcohol problem
What she said in counselling was that she met a guy at bar and she was 'lured by his charm' and they would make out and do other things, but when she went to his party he invited bunch of guys she never saw and they did things to her i don't want to speak about or explain
And what she told me without a counselor is that she's coming clean and doesn't want anything to do with him or anyone she realised that all other men just wants to exploit her vulnerability and I'm the only man that truly cares for her and she would never ever look at any other man only me
We had a 'family meeting' where my parents and siblings and her's came over at my house and they said that my wife made a mistake and is going through a very tough time, she has changed and learned from her mistake, and I am a 'great man' for taking care of my wife and I should never think about divorce
I was thinking about divorce and I only shared this with my colleague who has become my best friend over time and after i vented and I'm embarrassed to say that I cried in front of her, she said 'it's best for me to live alone my whole life than living with her'
I ask strangers here for advice like what should I do, should I accept her cause she changed her ways and take care of her or just divorce and move on
9.4k
u/Nily_che Aug 12 '24
You're only 25 years old. You are too young to stay in a toxic marriage with a toxic person. People restart their lives at a much older age. You don't have to be anyone's psychological support, crying wall, caregiver, etc. Especially if she cheated on you. I understand you have no children. Focus on your future and yourself. Get yourself out of this mess
2.0k
u/No-Falcon-4996 Aug 12 '24
25 is SO young, there is so much time to meet someone that you will click with, and love you back. You can meet people through work, running club, book clubs, sisters of your friends, at college classes. Ask a girl to grab a coffee on Sat morning, ask a girl to go see a movie, get out and live your just-starting life. Cut out all these toxic in-laws and toxic wife.
534
u/cupholdery Aug 12 '24
OP is certainly young and able to rebuild once he leaves, but that is IF he leaves. All his comments reveal that he wants internet strangers to validate his bad decision to stay.
736
u/theloveburts Aug 12 '24 edited Aug 12 '24
And what she told me without a counselor is that she's coming clean and doesn't want anything to do with him or anyone she realised that all other men just wants to exploit her vulnerability and I'm the only man that truly cares for her and she would never ever look at any other man only me
Staying would be foolish indeed. What's she's telling him with this comment is that she's traumatized by what happened and now doesn't trust men. Therefore, she feels she can only trust OP moving forward.
She's not saying I cheated on you and understand how hurtful that was for you and now realize that I truly love you and no other man can ever replace you in my heart. Nope. She's just scared and settling for the OP because she doesn't feel she can trust other men right now. She's eventually going to get over that and end up right back where she started, in another affair with a stranger she picked up in a bar. Only this time, she probably won't go to his house for a party with a bunch of guys she doesn't know cause she learned her lesson about that.
OP is YTA to himself for even considering staying with this woman. He thinks he's got her all locked down because of her trauma and she's never gonna stray again. Boy is he in for a gigantic surprise later on down the road.
201
u/No_Back5221 Aug 12 '24
Agreed, she never apologized, she’s just clearing her conscience, as soon as she’s better she will definitely do it again. It really isn’t worth staying cause at the end of the day, she cheated and he is not ok with that, he wants to leave but it sounds like her being raped is the only thing maybe making him stay and the in laws pressure.
84
u/Jhco022 Aug 12 '24
She already "forgave" herself 😌
20
u/Docto-Phibes-MD-PhD Aug 13 '24
I would instantly be concerned for your health and well being. Go get tested for sexually transmitted diseases. Clear that hurdle first. Agreed. She confessed and did her Act Of Contrition.
→ More replies (3)12
→ More replies (1)130
u/Ataru074 Aug 12 '24
No, she isn’t clearing her conscience.
Clearing her conscience would be “I was horny, I got drunk, and I let a bunch of dudes run a train on me in any way imaginable”.
Trying to gaslight the hubby saying she got raped but no police, no pressing charges, etc etc is the next level pile of bullshit.
39
u/RoxyRockSee Aug 12 '24
I am in no way defending OP's wife and what she did and is doing is absolutely fucked up, but most women I know feel like reporting rape or assault is next to useless. It's probably even harder for men to do it. Only 1 in 4 sexual assaults get reported. Mostly because the victims get treated like shit from police and rape kits are so low priority to lab departments that thousands never get done. In fact, there were a few news stories about how some police departments were trashing them. And even when they're able to press charges, that means the victim is subject to scrutiny in court, will have to see the person who hurt them, and most rapists get minimal jail time. Like that swimmer from Stanford.
→ More replies (5)25
u/harpoon_seal Aug 12 '24
I would agree to this but also going to counseling is definitely a next level step for keeping up that lie. Its hard to tell given how we dont see how its affected her. If shes acting fine like nothing happened then i would find it pretty sus.
→ More replies (11)→ More replies (15)24
36
u/thebeginingisnear Aug 12 '24
OP has to be careful that he doesnt get the "You can't leave, i'll kill myself if you do"
45
u/theloveburts Aug 12 '24
The moment she says that, he just needs to call emergency services and report she's verbalized suicidal ideations and he doesn't feel safe with her in the home. That's it. He can't let her hold him hostage emotionally with suicidal threats. I've had someone do that to me once and to this day, I'm NC because I won't let someone manipulate me with threats of suicide.
→ More replies (1)20
u/thebeginingisnear Aug 12 '24
Wise advice. Most people that encounter such moments in their life don't have the prerequisite knowledge of what to do if that occurs.
→ More replies (7)24
u/AwareAndAlone2024 Aug 12 '24
Hey
Just wanted to say thanks for your comment. I've had some real shit relationships before that I never really found closure in, and for whatever reason my mind never clued in some ideas you brought up above. Its helping me grasp things a bit better. Just wanted to say thanks aha
121
u/OverItButWth Aug 12 '24
He's loves her. :( Love makes us do stupid things. She doesn't love him, that's what he needs to wake up to, she does not love him, she cheated on him!!! He can't stay with her just because she was raped by several men while in the act of cheating on him. The rape was horrible, it should never happen to anyone but that doesn't change the fact she is a cheater! She didn't deserve to be raped though! Cheating was consensual!
→ More replies (18)47
u/DatguyMalcolm Aug 12 '24
because she told him what he wanted to hear, that "HE THE MAN"
The only one who will treat her right
Sure
OP doesn't even see how easy she's manipulated him
35
u/RunningOnAir_ Aug 12 '24
Bro needs to fucking run, fly away. Why is he stuck with someone with severe substance abuse issues at 25 😭😭 there's no relationship here if ur spouse is an addict the entire time
→ More replies (1)→ More replies (2)22
u/easily_amused_possum Aug 12 '24
It is a bad decision. The wife's trauma does not invalidate the trauma she has inflicted on her husband. He is her emotional bandage, and he will likely be discarded once she feels healed.
There are men who will suffer through anything if they think they are saving their partner. This young man has not yet realized the depth of suffering his wife will likely bring his way. Sad.
→ More replies (5)65
u/cynicaldotes Aug 12 '24
So true, I'm 24 and feel like I'm just starting my life as an adult truly
88
u/RandomContent0 Aug 12 '24
Another ten years and you'll realize just how much of a kid you still were.
Give it a couple of decades, and that perspective will shift again.
Point is, it is never too late to change a poor situation for a (mentally) better one.
→ More replies (2)29
u/rthrtylr Aug 12 '24
Hi there from that couple of decades in the future! Yyyyup. Yup yup yup. I heard a bloke on the radio earlier, little piping under developed voice on him, sounded like a teenager, in tone, in content, all that. Wee lad.
Lads, it gets WEIRD up here. Weird.
→ More replies (1)→ More replies (7)22
u/benjamintuckerII Aug 12 '24
I’m 30 and still feel that way lol maybe more so than I did in my twenties
369
u/mosquem Aug 12 '24
Any age is too young to stick with that amount of bullshit.
→ More replies (1)93
u/Nily_che Aug 12 '24
You are absolutely right, but unfortunately, the longer the relationship goes on and the older the age, the more people tend to sacrifice themselves. Relationships are becoming more and more entangled as time goes on. Leaving a 5 year relationship at 25 and leaving a 25 year relationship at 45 can be different in terms of difficulty depending on the person. That's why I wanted to emphasize his youth.
→ More replies (1)181
u/Silly_Southerner Aug 12 '24
She didn't just "cheat", which might imply only once or twice. She had a months-long affair, and only came clean after her affair partner shared her around with his friends. Hell, even after that, it only came out in counseling. And immediately - red flag! red flag! - as soon as they got away from the counselor, tried to spin it as a 'learning experience' that taught her how he was the only one for her. That's an attempt to manipulate him and deflect from how bad her affair actually was, and turn it into a "look at the bright side, now I know you're the only one for me, forget about how I betrayed your trust for months and only came clean after getting assaulted".
He needs to consult a divorce attorney, get his affairs in order, and leave her.
58
u/Few-Maintenance-2677 Aug 12 '24
This. She's a severe alcoholic? She has only told you maybe 40% of the scope of all this, and that is only the part that reflects least terribly on her.
→ More replies (2)→ More replies (1)23
u/CanIGetAFitness Aug 12 '24
This is an excellent summary.
I wonder if she has Boderline Personality Disorder. I’m sure that her counselors have at least considered it. I don’t know if they have an ethical obligation to inform him of that.
He is not obligated to hang around while she gets “fixed”. (And relapses, and enters treatment, and relapses)
His parents and in-laws should butt out. It’s his life . It’s his marriage. If they want her so much, they can take her in.
→ More replies (2)161
u/CaptainCAAAVEMAAAAAN Aug 12 '24
This. And don't fuck your colleague "best friend".
→ More replies (3)22
u/Cholera62 Aug 12 '24
Oh, I have a feeling he will. I suspect he has a need for drana.
17
133
u/Ladyughsalot1 Aug 12 '24
Yep. And ultimately I think ending the marriage is also healthiest for her as well. She’s likely only cleaving to OP for a sense of safety but it’s not actually what she wants.
Something he can say to the family who wants him to remain in the marriage. Best for all.
75
u/Astralglamour Aug 12 '24
Her family is pushing for the marriage to stay together because they don’t want to deal with her.
→ More replies (2)16
u/thebeginingisnear Aug 12 '24
They recognize he may be her last hope at a stable life.
→ More replies (3)10
→ More replies (2)7
u/thebeginingisnear Aug 12 '24
underrated point! A fresh start for everyone involved may be best long term. Your relationship will always carry the scars of this incident no matter how much you both heal
21
u/Top-Astronomer-5125 Aug 12 '24
What great answer! Everyone always thinks it’s too late to start over. I remember being 25 and worried about getting out of a bad marriage. Best decision I ever made and the entire process was over and forgotten about within six months.
17
→ More replies (41)43
u/Catatonick Aug 12 '24
This. I was 32 when I completely started over. I had maybe $10 in my bank account at any given time. It wasn’t easy but I started from absolutely nothing and got back on my feet.
He’s doing much better than I was at that point and because of that he can certainly start over and be happy fairly easily.
→ More replies (4)24
u/Lmdr1973 Aug 12 '24
Same. I've started over twice, and I'm 51. Married and divorced twice. You are never too old. 😉
→ More replies (2)
1.6k
u/-Kestra- Aug 12 '24
NTA
Let's put this into perspective. It's awful what happened to your wife, yes. But... if she hadn't met that fate with the group, she would still be cheating on you, possibly even have left you at this point.
She only came back to you because of how it turned out.
She just sees you as the "safer" option for the moment.
That's not fair to either of you, but especially you. Clearly she's not happy in the relationship either or she wouldn't have perused someone else. You are well within your rights for a divorce.
It's better to be alone than unhappy.
I wish you the best, OP. Take care of yourself <3
391
u/ZOMGBabyFoofs Aug 12 '24
This happened to me. I had a girlfriend I loved very much but when I would say so she’d say I like you a lot but I don’t know that I love you. Fair and honest but it did hurt my feelings. I moved across the country for work and we broke up. Well, she went out drinking with some friends of the ex boyfriend before me and was raped. Suddenly she was madly in love with me and wanted to get back together. I felt bad for her but wasn’t going to go back.
85
u/Softestwebsiteintown Aug 12 '24
I am not experienced when it comes to this particular topic, but my gut tells me you were only ever going to be like a wildlife rescue. Once she put the pieces back together she was definitely going to leave. Right call made.
→ More replies (9)8
u/anotherpoordecision Aug 12 '24
For the best for both of you. She wasn’t getting back with you in a clear state of mind. She needs to get through her shit before trying to date people. Just jumping back into a relationship because you’ve been traumatized isn’t healthy for either party
→ More replies (1)57
u/Accomplished_ways777 Aug 12 '24
if she hadn't met that fate with the group, she would still be cheating on you
most likely. she did a horrible number on him, especially by saying out loud that she realised that all the other men exploit her while he, OP, is her emotional support. yikes... way to go to twist that knife deeper in the wound.
what made my blood run cold was when OP stated that during the therapy session his wife opened up about the rape and he said that the things those guys did to her were unspeakable, he doesn't even want to think about that... the mere thought that a group of guys gathered and decided to rape and abuse a woman and do unspeakable things to her is the most horrifying thing. we, as a society, are not advanced in the slightest. we may be technologically advanced, but our nature is the most backwards and despicable one possible. we hurt each other for the pleasure of it.
→ More replies (1)16
u/Lmdr1973 Aug 12 '24
Yeah, that's pretty traumatic. He's never gonna get that out of his head.
16
u/Ornery-Towel2386 Aug 12 '24
I’m gonna say the thing I say to all of my friends who get cheated on - she lied for 5 months, why are we accepting anything she says as fact? At this point, she has demonstrated she uses information & manipulated “truth” to her advantage, so while I’m all for believing victims, we have zero reason to believe anything this woman says at this point. On the contrary, we should actually assume everything she says is false.
→ More replies (1)109
u/lifeofentropy Aug 12 '24
And to top it off, OP has to assume she’s telling the truth about all of this. Maybe she was a victim, maybe she’s lying. Either way if I was OP, I wouldn’t believe a word she says. If she didn’t have regret, she’d still be cheating. That’s crazy.
32
u/ManyHattedCaterpillr Aug 12 '24
That's kinda where my head went, too. She lied about a 5 month affair. Why would she suddenly be telling the truth about things? Maybe she is, but you can never be sure. Once trust is broken, what do you have left?
21
u/No-Winter120 Aug 12 '24
I'd bet money someone recorded it and that spooked her into getting ahead of the problem. She is an alcoholic, take everything they say with a grain of salt. They are always spinning the truth. Also, if this was gang rape, where is the mention of police and charges? Rape is one thing, gang rape is way worse.
→ More replies (25)11
1.0k
u/Bloodystupidjohnson3 Aug 12 '24
NTA
I’m going to be very blunt: your wife doesn’t love you. She is using you for support.
Yes, she was assaulted. That is horrible.
However, that doesn’t give her the right to use you.
Do you want to stay in a relationship with this dynamic? Where you will never be sure of her actions or motivations?
Please learn to respect yourself
138
u/TheFlyingSheeps Aug 12 '24 edited Aug 12 '24
I’d divorce personally OP. You have two separate issues, the affair and the assault. The assault is horrible and no one deserves that however it does not erase the cheating that occurred before hand.
Dealing with the assault is beyond your pay grade so continue to encourage counseling however for the affair do you want to play warden the rest of your life, constantly worrying or checking up on her? She was also displaying symptoms of alcoholism. All of this would be too much for me
→ More replies (23)49
498
u/SassyxXxScarlet Aug 12 '24
Staying in a relationship that causes you significant pain and distrust can be detrimental to your mental health.
→ More replies (128)
421
u/clearheaded01 Aug 12 '24
'Lured by his charm' is code for: i decided to cheat because my husband doesnt mean shit to me??
OP.. she cheated... divorce and move on..
Because you deserve better - and she does not deserve you or your support.
And for the families... for your families, rugsweeping this would make the scandal go away.. and her relatives avoid having to support her..
My advice is divorce.
But theres a cultural aspect to all this, yes??
→ More replies (4)92
u/hardliam Aug 12 '24
Don’t you just live how people like to act like it was a magic spell “lured by their charm” you mean you were attracted to them?? They use that saying as if they were disarmed and were incapable of resisting because of this magic spell they were put under. Which is almost worse, this person was soooo charismatic and unbelievably attractive that they were helpless. To me that might be worse then just saying “I felt like fucking this ugly guy, so I did”
→ More replies (4)38
u/clearheaded01 Aug 12 '24
Yep.
Just stumbling through life, taking no responsibility for the hurt and damage they inflict, blaming anything and everyone else for their own bad choices...
12
u/hardliam Aug 12 '24
What’s so frustrating is those people also don’t seem to have the depth or caring to even be hurt ina similar way, like they don’t even comprehend the pain they can cause. Or maybe they can just never have had to experience it yet. Like when I read a story about someone being cheated on, it’ll make me alanon sick to my stomach because I can imagine what there going through. Like I can’t watch a video of a puppy being hit or even a person getting beat up , I feel empathy and am uncomfortable even tho it’s not happening to me. We’re as these people that live that way don’t have empathy to that degree, “if it’s not happening to me, why would I care”
→ More replies (1)
230
u/Choice_Document1364 Aug 12 '24
It sucks that she got sexually assaulted. Nobody deserves that ever. You are a good person for helping her through this horrible experience. However, NTA if you divorce. If it were me, I would be filing. She was cheating on you before the SA. The SA does not negate that. She only respects you now because she got caught. Would she have told you if she hadn’t been SA’d? Would you now be such a perfect mate if she hadn’t been SA’d? I think we both know the answer.
→ More replies (2)37
u/trvllvr Aug 12 '24
While I too feel for her and the trauma she experienced due to her assault, but she previously “tortured” you due to her trauma and is now using her drinking and mental health to explain away her betrayal before she was assaulted. She didn’t make a mistake. She made a decision to cheat and continue an ongoing affair. You have tried to help her through the trauma and stood by her and now she wants to use that you are a good man who cares about her to manipulate you into staying in the relationship.
She wants you to suck it up and let it go because she has a drinking problem. Alcohol is not an excuse for cheating.
NTA if you choose to divorce. Because it’s not due to her drinking or her trauma, but her betrayal. She broke your trust.
→ More replies (1)
184
u/mustang19671967 Aug 12 '24
I would run for the hills , no one deserves what happened to her , but she was cheating before this. For me I would be gone . Get a lawyer and leave
→ More replies (12)
40
u/Ellie96S Aug 12 '24
Your family are way too invested in her given that they watched her grow up, they are not going to be reliable to you in this. It's horrible that your wife was assaulted, but she threw away your entire life for a guy she met in a bar. Had this not happened do you really think she would have come clean? I'm sorry to say, but I think it would do you more good to explore what the world has to offer than stay with a person who would betray your literall lifelong bond. She played on your insecurities and called you controlling to continue her affair, why would even want to continue?
80
u/Jdz92012 Aug 12 '24
There are two different issues here. One she cheated on you for 5 months. Two she was attacked by her affair partner and his friends. Do not let the second issue cloud your judgement for the first.
→ More replies (6)
38
u/throwawaysadwife123 Aug 12 '24
You're the "only man that truly cares for her and she would never look at another man".
That is a...terrible reasoning to be with / stay faithful. Not because she loves you and cheating is wrong but because she's scarred now from men and doesn't trust them. Because loving you before wasn't enough to stop her, so she can't claim that.
Screw that. She did NOT deserve to be assaulted, but it doesn't absolve her sins. She cheated for five months beforehand, lied for five whole months. This wasn't some drunken ONS but a concerted effort.
still NTA, get a divorce, encourage her to continue therapy and hold her attackers accountable.
101
u/joeDowns_rules Aug 12 '24
Brother I’m sorry for your situation. You would not be the AH if you decided to divorce. She was cheating on you for 5 months.
Of course I’m on speaking for myself here, but the cheating is a deal breaker. Her alcoholism is her and her family’s problem now.
I’m sorry if this sounds harsh.
→ More replies (2)
96
u/No_Addition_5543 Aug 12 '24
My cousin is an alcoholic. Her own family is accepting that her long term relationship ended and are appreciative of her ex’s new partner as she is a positive role model in the children’s lives.
My extended family did get her help. They helped her with rehab and they are supportive of her. But they are frustrated that she is not helping herself nor looking after her health.
Years of alcohol use have left her a diabetic, with cirrhosis of the liver and alcohol induced dementia.
She put her children through so much.
We all accept that it is a disease but that her ex was more than justified moving on and he couldn’t continue in a relationship with her.
It’s very sad.
My advice to you is to divorce your wife - even if you have children - or especially if you want your own children one day.
Whatever mental health issues she has you won’t want it passing to her children. You also don’t want your children to have an alcoholic for a mother.
It sounds like your wife was trafficked. But this happened after she cheated on you and you don’t know how many times she cheated before.
Your wife hasn’t changed. She’s still the same except now she’s feeling sorry for herself.
I agree with your work colleague. But I also must add that you need to be single for a while before you enter into another relationship. You need to divorce your wife if you want a chance at a better future.
Also, her controlling you and not letting you leave the room is abusive.
Look up borderline personality disorder (there are subreddits here) and see if she shares any behaviours with the people there. The alcoholism, the promiscuity, the abusive behaviours and fear of being left alone are concerning.
Your wife is drowning and dragging you down with her.
If you choose to stay you are in for a very rough ride.
I suggest you stop having sex with her and get some therapy for yourself so that you can process leaving her.
51
u/battinaofficial Aug 12 '24
Seconding the no sex advice.
If she fears that you may leave her, she might misuse her birth control to keep you in her life.
→ More replies (7)11
u/Doctor_of_Recreation Aug 12 '24
I’m 345 days alcohol free and you basically listed out all the reasons I had for quitting. I’m so sorry about your cousin.
31
u/deathboyuk Aug 12 '24
She hasn't changed her ways.
This will happen again.
If you don't cut this off, she'll drag you down with her.
→ More replies (1)
240
u/NovaPrime1988 Aug 12 '24
Divorce. This woman gaslit you by calling you controlling when she was cheating on you by having an affair for months. She also has a severe alcohol problem, takes little to no accountability, and is playing on your good nature.
I hate doubting rape. But she is a cheating, manipulative, alcoholic. Do these types of people ever tell the truth? However, even with the possible rape, she still cheated on you for months.
Ignore your friends and family. They are giving you terrible advice. Listen to your colleague.
Be kind to yourself. Find someone worth loving.
NTA
127
u/ConstructionNo9678 Aug 12 '24
I can absolutely believe that someone found an alcoholic and took advantage of her problem to rape her. However, even if the rape is true, that doesn't excuse the cheating that took place for five entire months beforehand.
From the way she talks about men taking advantage of her, it sounds like the only thing keeping her from cheating on OP again is that she doesn't trust them right now. Not a great start to fixing a relationship.
27
u/Bitter-Picture5394 Aug 12 '24
I agree. She was an easy target for a sexual predator. I believe she was assaulted. I also believe OP needs to divorce her and work on his own mental health after everything he's been through.
→ More replies (1)→ More replies (2)27
u/ConsciousApplePie Aug 12 '24
“It sounds like the only thing keeping her from cheating on OP again is that she doesn’t trust them right now.”
This 100%. Her reasoning for not looking at other men is that they feel scary and dangerous, not that it is horrible thing to do to your life partner. Not that her behavior was unacceptable before the horrible incident. No, the only reason she gave for not cheating anymore is that OP is the only man she thinks is safe right now. What happens when she heals from the trauma? What if she starts trusting other people again? There’s nothing to suggest that she understands why her behavior was actually wrong. All she has acknowledged is that it got her SA’d, not that cheating was a horrible thing to do to begin with.
→ More replies (18)41
u/No_Addition_5543 Aug 12 '24
It’s entirely possible she was raped and I understand why she wouldn’t press charges - because she would make an unreliable witness in Court due to the cheating and the alcoholism.
I too believe the OP should be kind to himself and end his marriage. His marriage is already broken.
→ More replies (10)
25
u/Available_Actuary977 Aug 12 '24
It's not just about cheating. This woman is abusing you. Not hitting you, no. But she is abusing her trust in you, using you and your marriage only when it's convenient for her. She wants you when she is hurt and in trouble but doesn't want you when she is riding high.
This is going to be a tough pill to swallow and it may not compare to physical abuse, but I believe this is a type of mental abuse. You said it yourself. She is torturing you. GET OUT!
It's fucking abusive. Recognize it or it will keep happening again and again. If you stay with this person, she will repeat her pattern. Use you for your love, kindness, money, and emotional suport. Then ditch you when she wants to drink, cheat, drug, or do whatever. Then she'll be back making nice with you again.
→ More replies (1)
27
u/TetraThiaFulvalene Aug 13 '24
The affair was 5 months. She woke and thought "Today, I will tell him nothing" 150 times. You owe her nothing.
43
20
20
u/Bridgeburner1 Aug 12 '24
People blaming you for sharing your grief with a female (gasp!) Coworker, are the ones doing the victim shaming here.
Your wife cheated on you. Stop.
Anything that happened after that, isn't your problem. Stop.
Now it's time to move on with your life. Stop.
NTA.
→ More replies (1)
22
u/Chon231 Aug 12 '24
I'm extremely bias but I struggle to believe anything an addict says.
Divorce her. She cheated for five months before something terrible happened and now she's coming clean. Sounds like you'd be getting cheated on for years if it never came out.. That's your answer.
19
u/Status-Pattern7539 Aug 13 '24
NTA
She doesn’t love you.
You are her security blanket.
What happened was awful, but that doesn’t negate the fact that she had a FIVE MONTH long affair with this guy and felt comfortable enough to go to his party.
She isn’t staying with you due to love or change of heart, but for safety and fear .
You deserve someone who actually loves and will be faithful to you.
It isn’t your responsibility to fix her trauma and her. That’s why she has a professional to work through her trauma with.
Rip the bandaid off. Trust is gone. Love is gone. She isn’t your responsibility.
→ More replies (1)
61
u/Dresden_Mouse Aug 12 '24
No no no, if the assault didn't happen she would still be cheating, she got burn and she wants a nurse now, at the end of the day it's your choice, she was selfish and now people expect you to sacrifice and be selfless, put yourself first now
→ More replies (2)
16
u/UncleRumpy12 Aug 12 '24
OP, i know it is hard because you have been together for so long, but what is best for you is taking a step back from the marriage. Even before the rape and affair was uncovered, she had a drinking problem and when you expressed concerns she called you controlling. You tell us that she says shes sorry that she regrets it and that she’ll never drink again but I believe these are just desperate pleas and her trying to bargain to get you to stay. She has too much trauma because the rape is still fresh. Not enough time, reflection and therapy has happened for her to be able to say with a clearer mind what she will realistically be able to give you in order to try and reconcile.
Now I think you should reflect on a few things:
If she hadn’t been raped, the affair would still be going on. She went to a bar, flirted with another man then had an affair. She only told you this because of everything that’s happened, not because she felt guilty or remorseful.
I know this whole thing is still fresh in both of your minds, but do you really think you’ll be able to trust her ever again? This all happened right under your nose. You have been together for a decade and just found out she is capable of this.
Regardless of what you choose to do please make it your choice. Don’t forgive and forget because her family is pressuring you to forgive. And especially dont forgive just because your wife has turned on the water works and started with the love bombing and promising you the world.
17
u/MombieZ3 Aug 12 '24
She cheated on you for 5 months. If the horrific assault hadn't happened she would still be cheating on you. You only found out about the cheating because the guy was a POS. No you are NTA and you deserve better. She can go live with her parents since they feel she needs to be supported.
16
u/SecretNecessary5712 Aug 13 '24
Holy shit. You’re only 25. Your wife is going to ruin your life if you stay a minute longer. She’s a manipulator and possibly a narcissist. It will hurt for about 6 months but you’ll be happy. Don’t sacrifice your happiness.
14
u/Cial101 Aug 12 '24
Brother don’t be stupid. She cheated on you and is now trying to manipulate you under the guise of self help. You can do better.
14
u/Ghettoman1315 Aug 13 '24
Your wife was having an affair that you were unaware of and made a sober decision to go out when you asked her not to go out. Her night turned into a nightmare and she is at a real low point in her life right now. What happens when she is back on her feet feeling good about herself again? Are you going to be worrying that she will go back to her old ways? Why would you want to be burdened with her alcoholism with the rest of your life? If you bring kids into that environment you are really asking for trouble because she cannot handle life now. Please do not have children with her. Run from her. Nta
65
u/Deep_Ability_9217 Aug 12 '24
I don't buy it. Story doesn't really check out
49
u/TechnicalFox8569 Aug 12 '24
Next update he's going to be divorced and will start dating the colleague who has become his best friend now, calling it
14
u/Zurble Aug 12 '24
I got halfway and skipped to the comments to see people roasting this BS story. This sub is goofy
→ More replies (11)29
14
u/Byron386 Aug 12 '24
Leave. Don’t let family pressure you or make you feel guilty. What happened to her is awful, but it doesn’t mean you have to stay with her. She was unfaithful. Bounce.
15
u/Commercial_Peach6769 Aug 12 '24
Sweet darling man, I'm so sorry you have to deal with this. I gave up what felt like everything I had mentally and physically to try to save the man I loved-- for a decade. It didn't work. He left me for another woman, that woman ended up causing his soon-to-come death by assaulting him with a guitar and hitting his failing liver. After a lot of crap happening very quickly, I'm now taking care of the person who caused me so much pain through their addictions and mental health issues as he dies. I'm still not sure if he loves me, and I'm not sure if he'd do the same for me. But I love who he is at heart, and I am able to give this gift to him without much cost to my own well-being (probably because I've been mourning and grieving for so long). It's hard, though.
You are so young. She has a family, she will be held close as she recovers and heals. You need to heal too and you don't need the pressure of carrying her along at this moment. I pray that this is what makes her actively try to quit drinking and assess her actions to live in a different way. Your own health and soul are important too. There may come a time in the future when you both can look back and be grateful to how things worked out-- but please don't trade your present precious time for a promise that may not come true. Take care of yourself, you're worth it.
50
u/fubar_68 Aug 12 '24
Divorce your cheating wife. She’s upset the party is over. She doesn’t love or respect you. Paternity test any kids you think are yours.
→ More replies (11)
13
u/Similar_Corner8081 Aug 12 '24
NTA While her getting SA is awful and she didn’t deserve that at all but that doesn’t negate the cheating for 5 months. It didn’t bother her that you didn’t know until she had no choice but to tell you. Had she not been sexually assaulted would she have even come clean to you.
A 5 month affair isn’t a mistake. That’s 5 months of choosing to have sex with someone else. That’s not ok. I’m old enough to be your mother and my advice is to divorce. You can’t heal with and around the person who broke you. She’s not even right for expecting you to support her. She should be supporting you.
13
u/This_Acanthisitta832 Aug 12 '24
NTA. I don’t care what she is going through now, it does not justify a 5 month affair prior to this event. Do you really want to stay with someone who is on their way to becoming an alcoholic (if she isn’t already) and who is a cheater? She won’t have to worry about you being “controlling” if you divorce her. As for your families, whether or not you get divorced is none of anyone else’s business. You’re not considering divorcing her for being SA’d, you’re considering divorce due to her infidelity.
As for her parents/siblings, if they want to be involved in your marriage then let them deal with her.
Your co-worker is 100% correct. It’s best to live alone than to spend your life living with her.
→ More replies (2)
12
u/Sorry_Debate228 Aug 12 '24
It's really awful what happened to your wife, however what about YOUR feelings and how she treated YOU? I couldn't look her in the face or trust her anymore after cheating so I would cut ties.
12
Aug 12 '24
NTA. She is trying to deflect from her affair. Affair is bad enough, this is a reason to leave. She isn't trustworthy.
12
u/i_need_a_username201 Aug 12 '24
Getting raped is horrible and not her fault. However, her cheating put herself in a situation that could’ve been entirely avoided and all of this is a result of her cheating. Again rape is not her fault but cheating set a series of events in motion that would have never occurred had she not cheated.
10
u/timg2120 Aug 13 '24
Divorce the crazy immediately! She's only going to put you through more heart ache.
10
u/Mattshark8614 Aug 13 '24
She only expressed remorse after she got raped, not during the 5 months of her affair. Leave her asap OP. NTA
26
u/MrOceanBear Aug 12 '24
Your wife is manipulating you and probably your families. Im not someone who automatically jumps to divorce when someone cheats but in your case its the only answer.
“Lured by his charm” is bullshit, she was cheating for months. Its disgusting if the guy truly orchestrated a gangbang on her that she didnt sign up for but even that is questionable. Do not light yourself on fire for the rest of your life because of your family, definitely dont do it for hers.
Updateme!
→ More replies (4)5
u/djpurity666 Aug 12 '24
Anyone who is going to the party of a guy with whom she's having an affair willingly and then tells her husband he's "controlling" for now wanting her to go is indeed manipulative.
Addicts/alcoholics lie and manipulate all the time, it's just part of their disease.
28
u/Samantha38g Aug 12 '24
She is an alcoholic, liar and cheater. Then she repeatedly puts herself into danger. She has bigger problems than you are capable of fixing.
And she would be putting kids in danger iver and over again if you had any with her. Main one being fetal alcohol syndrome.
Do you want a life always on edge?
15
u/yr252525 Aug 12 '24
This comment “She has bigger problems than you are capable of fixing” is much more helpful than other commenters calling her a whore, etc.
As for your marriage, you may want to go to r/infidelity for help with steps for reconciliation or divorce.
You are not a psychologist, therapist, or rehab. You are very hurt and maybe her family would be better support for her living situation and healing right now.
→ More replies (1)
29
u/Flipadelphia26 Aug 12 '24
Your wife cheated on you for 5 months and then went to a gangbang and you’re asking for advice?
→ More replies (1)
9
u/Cold-Main-9032 Aug 12 '24
you better run and don't look back even if you leave with nothing you still have your dignity
9
u/-whiteroom- Aug 12 '24
She is traumatized and now views you as the only safe option. She's not saying she wants to be with you for love, but out of fear of others. She's the same person who cheated on you, just now that person is left with only you.
Tbh, you don't deserve to be stuck with her.
8
Aug 12 '24 edited Aug 12 '24
Dude, get a divorce. She can sort through that on her own. I feel for her, but that was all 100% due to her poor decision making.
Your life doesn’t also need to be ruined because she has a lack of self control, personal safety and no respect for your marriage.
9
u/SilentJoe1986 Aug 12 '24
Dude. NTA for considering divorce. This has nothing to do with her being raped. She cheated on you for five months and still would be if she didn't go to that party. What happens when she starts getting into a better head space and she finds another man she's "lured" in by? I hate that she isn't taking responsibility for her infidelity. It's because of the other guy seduced her. She takes no personal responsibility for it. I agree with your coworker because I'm currently living it. Single is better than than a toxic relationship.
9
u/SuperHelixDNAhole Aug 12 '24
Tell her and everyone else that you’re suffering from trust issues. You cannot trust anything she is saying and definitely call out anyone else that expects you to and ask them what they would do in your situation. I wouldn’t believe any story she tells.
I always hear of people getting cheated on or wronged and hear of the families and friends giving the victim or person that was cheated on a hard time for being upset …. wtf!
You CANNOT trust anything she says now, please help yourself by getting all the way out of this situation.
9
u/DeputyDomeshot Aug 12 '24
I don't know why you would believe any of this story.
I mean both you and the commenters here talking about a fake post.
16
u/OnlyOnTuesdays289 Aug 12 '24
Your wife isn’t healthy. She seems like an alcoholic. Lacks any boundaries. And she cheated on you and lied to you.
Why do you want to be in this type of relationship? You deserve better.
Go get tested for STIs
7
u/iwantkrustenbraten Aug 12 '24
She stopped being in a marriage with you when she first cheated. Why are you even trying to hold on?
7
u/Eatabricck Aug 12 '24
Assult or not, she’s still a cheater, she only realizes YOURE the right guy now? She didn’t magically grow respect for you because she was assaulted, she’s using the assult to make you feel guilty for any valid feelings you may have, possibly to get you to stay with her. You’re going through a tough time too, Assult or not, doesn’t mean she deserves forgiveness for what she did and very clearly meant to do, it doesn’t matter what else happened. If you do leave, I almost guarantee she’ll say it’s because of the assault and not her actions, can’t be there bad guy, and let her paint it how she wants because at the end of the day you know what really happened. Nta, do what makes you happy
7
u/Mx_phreek Aug 12 '24
Divorce, not your problem any more. She was cheating and made poor decisions. Her family can help her through it.
7
u/DeezBae Aug 12 '24
Your wife may have some mental health issues she is struggling with but that doesn't give her a free pass to manipulate you and to be toxic.
You're young, her issues are above and beyond husband duties. Hate to say it but it's not very likely she will change. Your life will be total and utter chaos and you will be cleaning up her messes at the expense of your pride and mental sanity.
She needs professional help and you need to move on and heal.
7
u/Charming_Extension44 Aug 12 '24
My ex wife was an alcoholic who would sleep with men and women during her drunken episodes. We’d go to counseling, she’d say all the right things, family would pressure me to stay, etc, but here’s the catch:
That cheating bug was always lurking in her subconscious. Drinking was just the conduit for it to be realized. Sure enough - it happened again. No confession either (she knew id leave if she did). I left anyway.
Leave now. 5 months of lies that only came out because of that incident? She’s not the one bro.
8
u/Eternity_Warden Aug 12 '24
What happened to her is terrible, but nothing changes the fact that she was cheating on you. If it hadn't happened, she'd still be seeing this guy.
On top of that, she's only sorry because of what happened to her, not because of what she did to you.
She's a self centred, shitty, manipulative person. Her being a victim doesn't change that.
6
u/abusivecat Aug 13 '24
Brother you are 25, get the hell out of this relationship and live your life.
6
Aug 13 '24
You can forgive her and recognize she’s changed and still be absolutely valid in divorcing her. Your family is more interested in being “nice” and preventing drama for themselves than they are concerned about your well-being if they’re coaching you to not even THINK of divorce.
13
u/DrFabio23 Aug 12 '24
Don't confide in a woman about your marital problems, first. Second, I don't believe that this is a healthy relationship. "Hey, I got my kicks. This other guy was just more charming, can't blame me for being horny."
I'm sorry but I believe she is only coming clean because she realizes now that you're the best she can have a relationship with and you represent security.
→ More replies (2)
13
u/Unhappy_Wishbone_551 Aug 12 '24
Cheating isn't a mistake. Her assault is horrible. No one deserves that. But you don't deserve to be used and manipulated. You're NTA here, your cheating spouse, and both of your families are. Imo, you should go ahead with the divorce. Selfish people rarely change.
→ More replies (1)
12
u/Few-Pay7302 Aug 12 '24
let's get one thing straight an adventure is NOT A MISTAKE it's A DECISION a decision she made voluntarily and she went on that trip VOLUNTARILY without caring about your thoughts so that's not love and she DOES NOT LOVE YOU she only sees you as a safety net so you better get a divorce already and don't worry anyway she has family and friends who will support your wife and value those people who ARE THERE FOR YOU and if your family doesn't support your decisions or thoughts better find other people who really listen to you, understand you and advise you
→ More replies (7)
10
u/Absoma Aug 12 '24
NTA. She is an awful person something bad happened to. That isn't your problem. You should absolutely be thinking about divorce. It isn't your job to fix her. She didn't need you before the incident but she does now? How long will this new attitude last? Will she start drinking again?
Lets be clear! She didn't make a mistake! She made a choice! A mistake is putting your left shoe on your right foot in the morning. She chose to do something for months that she knew would / could destroy you and break your heart.
Why take her word that she has changed? She ignored her marriage vows didn't she? Sorry friend, I think you need to get a lawyer and divorce.
→ More replies (5)
12
u/WidowedWTF Aug 12 '24
We had a 'family meeting' where my parents and siblings and her's came over at my house
When did they take vows to be in your marriage? This does not involve them.
Your wife cheated on you, betrayed you, hid it from you, and only came clean when the result of her behavior was that she was assaulted and raped. Horrible for her. I'm not discounting her experience at all (I'm also a rape survivor). But THAT is why she came clean. She's now trauma bonding back to you as the "safe" man in her life.
But no one is asking you what YOU can handle, what YOU want, what YOU need for your own mental health in this.
So ask yourself: What do I want to do here?
→ More replies (2)
6
u/Zealousideal_Mood118 Aug 12 '24
It would be beneficial to have your own therapist to process what you want and need. Family and friends will always have a bias because they're too close. A therapist of your own is neutral and only focused on what is best for you. It sounds like you have been together so long, she is all that you know. You need to really process if you really want to stay or if you are just trapped in what is familiar. I have seen this with therapy clients, sometimes crappy familiar seems less scary than the unknown. Please take care of yourself.
6
u/Josii_ Aug 12 '24
Remember during all of this that she would still be fucking the party host if nothing had happened.
6
u/In_lieu_of_sobriquet Aug 12 '24
NTA. I feel badly for your wife’s SA, but now you know the reason she didn’t want to report it was it would expose her affair. Just remember the affair and SA are 2 things. You can feel badly she got SA’d and still not forgive her for cheating on you for 5 months. How much do you resent your wife for cheating? If that feeling doesn’t go away it’s best you leave now.
6
u/StateLarge Aug 12 '24
You need to let this train wreck go and move on with your life. Once you are out of this situation you’ll see how much better off you are mentally!
5
u/Hebegebe101 Aug 12 '24
Life is short . Don’t waste it with someone with this many issues and that cheated on you . Do what makes you happy .
7
u/BoshansStudios Aug 12 '24
NTA. I was the other guy fooling around with a married woman. We met because she cut my hair. She came over to my house and we hooked up a few times. She continued to cut my hair for a long time.
During Covid one time she said she could give me a haircut but she was giving her husband one first, so he was inside and I was outside waiting in my car, then when he was done I went inside to get my hair cut. She eventually got rid of her rented space to cut hair and started doing it at her house and I was there while her husband was home. Nothing happened while I was at her house but the point is she was being sneaky af and didn't care.
She got divorced a couple of years later and only stayed with the dude for financial reasons until she finished her college degree and could switch careers.
GTFO that relationship.
6
u/riri1281 Aug 12 '24
Your wife needs a support system, but that support system does NOT need to be you.
7
u/Kitnado Aug 12 '24
Bro no kids?
This is a very important moment in your life. If you stay with her, you will be unhappy the rest of your life. If you divorce her and leave, you will be happy.
Don’t make the mistake of staying. You have only once chance.
6
11
u/PieiSatana Aug 12 '24
She had an affair for 5 months. If that guy was a great guy, you'd be single by now.
4
u/Cursd818 Aug 12 '24
NTA
What's happened to your wife is horrific. But how she's behaving now is a trauma response to that. It's not coming from a place of love or remorse. It's coming from fear. She respected you and your marriage so little, that in her eyes, you could never be a threat. And now, while she's healing, she's determined that staying with you will keep her safe. She's right.
But it's all about her. She does not care what she did to you, what trauma she put your through, and how she betrayed you. She is recruiting her family and friends to bully you into staying with her. That is manipulative and cruel. If she hadn't been attacked, she would still be cheating on you.
And ... when she's recovered, and is no longer in a fear-reactive place emotionally, she may betray you again. Because her reasons for stopping are completely selfish. They have nothing to do with you deserving better. If you stay with her, you will always be the weak man she betrayed and then used to make herself feel better. I'm sorry if that's harsh, but it's the truth.
5
u/Techie4evr Aug 12 '24
Mannn, so tired of seeing fake karma farming posts. I mean come on people, everyone knows what would really happen in this situation, OP would dump the bitch, and their BIO parents would never side with the cheater.
We also know what would not happen in real life: 1. OP's Bio-Family would never say "Ohhhh, she made a mistake and is going through a tough time" Instead they would say "Son, she's a drunk (and possibly druggie), Rarely does recovery happen and she's only going to do this again. For your own well being you should dump her. 2. Never would OPs Bio-Parents say "She has changed and learned from her mistakes". Like come on MAYBE her bio parents would say that because hey...they are her parents, but OPs Bio Parents wouldn't because truthfully, they wouldn't know. 3. OPs Bio-Parent would never say "...NEVER think about divorce" But instead be more likely to say "Do what you think is best and we'll support you.
We see more and more AITAH posts where the Bio Parents side with the "Wrong Doer" instead of their own son or daughter and in reality it would never go that way. Sure, SOME maybe, but definitely not all like these recent AITAH posts like to claim.
9.9k
u/Mundane-State-7306 Aug 12 '24 edited Aug 12 '24
She was having an affair for 5 months. She did not willingly tell you due to guilt or anything, she had to come clean because something awful happened. Otherwise you still probably wouldnt know she was cheating. Doesnt seem like she cares about you much except for what you can do for her. She obviously makes bad decisions but luckily she has a supportive family. Let them take the lead here while you gently back out. You dont need this. Unless you want to be tethered to a cheating alcholic with emotional issues for the rest of your youth and potentially life. NTA